Skip to main content


Have you ever found yourself angry with people you care about and didn’t seem able to stop yourself? Do people who love you tell you that you have anger management issues? Have you lost some important relationships or created problems for yourself at work because you couldn’t seem to control your angry behavior?


If this describes you, then you need to find the cause of the anger and how to cope with it differently. The first thing to do is to recognize that you are choosing your anger. What? Choosing my anger? Why in the world would I do that? Well, there are several reasons people may choose anger. Let’s see which one best describes you.

Anger Iceberg

Icebergs are large pieces of ice found floating in the open ocean. What we can see from the surface can be misleading. Most of the iceberg is hidden below the water. This is HOW ANGER WORKS. Often when we are angry, there are other emotions hidden under the surface.


Some people use anger to intimidate others and subsequently get what they want. In this way, the angry person is able to control the behavior of others.

Some people use their anger as a way of getting attention. If a person needs attention, it doesn’t always matter whether that attention is positive or negative, as long as someone is noticing him or her.

Anger can also be used as a way to avoid responsibility. If a person doesn’t want to do something, anger can be a valid way to get out of it.

Sometimes people are feeling small and insignificant and anger works to pump themselves up or provide courage to do something scary.

And others use it as an emotional release, much the same way a pressure cooker lets off steam. Anger has energy. When someone is experiencing things that are frustrating, he or she may not be dealing with his or her anger. Instead of processing it, cognitively restructuring some belief systems or working out the energy physically, anger can provide a much-needed release valve.

Anger may be the result of the past. A person may be feeling angry about how he or she was treated back then.

Do you recognize yourself in any of those scenarios? When you lose your temper, which one of these reasons best identifies what you are trying to accomplish? Perhaps you have yet another reason. Your behavior is never random and it never just happens to you.


It’s a very subtle difference but an important one nonetheless. All behavior is proactive. You do not choose a behavior because of something that occurred outside of you. For example, let’s say your neighbour, Sarah asked her youngest son to clean his room. He said he would do it later but didn’t. So, Sarah patiently asked him a second time. Again, he said he’d do it later. This went on for most of the day. Finally, in exasperation, Sarah lost her temper with him and yelled at him about cleaning his room.

The question is why did Sarah get angry? Most people would say Sarah got angry because her son wouldn’t do what he was asked. However, the real reason is that Sarah used her anger as her best attempt to get her son to clean his room. It didn’t accomplish her goal.


Why am I making this seemingly insignificant distinction? Because once you become conscious of the reasons you are choosing your behavior, then you can consciously choose to do something healthier and more effective.

You can get your needs met without interfering with other people meeting theirs. Effective means it actually works to accomplish a reasonable goal.

When you use anger, in an unhealthy way, it almost always interferes with the other person getting his or her needs met. You definitely have the right to get your needs met but not at the expense of someone else.

Underlying most reasons for choosing anger, you are probably attempting to improve an important relationship in your life. Anger will never work long-term when you do that. You may get the initial satisfaction of getting the other person to do what you wanted, but you have damaged something in the relationship as a result.

You must make a proactive plan about what you are going to do instead of using anger. It should be something that has at least an equal chance of getting you what you want while supporting others in their process of getting their own needs met.

Our trained therapists can help you understand your feelings better and help you to guide your future thoughts and actions.

If you are looking for help to calm yourself, we’re here. Let’s talk.